I’m sure all ya’ll on teh interwebs have seen this recent piece in the NYT magazine on sex in equal marriages. Salon had my beloved Tracy Clark-Flory respond, in true mocking style.

I saw the article some days ago on Facebook, and The Bride has been dying to discuss it so I finally got around to reading it and we did our usual takedown. However, it was only later when discussing it with 2B1M and partner that I really solidified my own take on the subject, which of course you loverlies must have inflicted on you.

For one thing, everyone falls into routines after a point. And given a certain subset of fitness, flexibility and willingness to try stuff, there is only a certain number of things you can do, and of them a much smaller number that works for everyone, and once you know the hotspot it’s very hard to go everywhere but there, and eventually sex becomes a bit of an efficient routine. (Which I, for one, am all for. Ahem.)

Then, I can’t help but feel that, much like the pheromones of immunity genes, there must be a biological explanation for the lust of early coming together. There might well be a hormonal/reproductive impulse that drives frequent and vehement copulation early on in relationships that’s timed to calm down after a while because by then if biology has its way you’re making and then raising a baby so focus must go elsewhere. There might just be a cycle for the lust in biological terms, which might explain why also after a certain age (past fertility??) people are suddenly all horny again? I dunno I’m just conjecturing.

Also, sex drive is such an ephemeral thing. I mean, from personal experience, if you ever engage my brain in any sort of thinking about what’s going on during, mine’s gone. Poof. Oktatabyebye. So given the living with someone, yes you’re derailed by the gym clothes on the floor, or the baby yelling, or the shitty day you’ve had and so on. But then comes the kicker. In the immortal words of Jacques Lacan (ish), desire is premised on lack. So for me, if I have a shot at sex tonight and I’m not entirely in the mood, I’m thinking that’s all very well missy but fuck knows when this great moment will come again–take it and GO!* But, when you know that tomorrow you can try again in a better frame of mind; that it’s not going anywhere, you can tap that next week, it kinda puts another perspective on things.

So perhaps it has nothing to do with equality of marriage after all. Perhaps it has to do with modern life as we live it. And perhaps it has to do with our overwhelming desperate need to have it all. Perfect marriage and perfect sex life and perfect job and perfect kids and perfect house and so on ad nauseum. Sometimes I think the only time we can ever have it all is ages 0-1 year.

*Well that’s the theory. But the practice is so far these past months!