Well yesterday’s post did its job! After writing and cogitating and analyzing minutely with The Bride I have learnt three things about MinCat and love.
The painful thing about all these rejections is largely the rejection of everything else that I had with that person, as if I’ve suddenly got air-transmitted syphilis or something and they cannot be near me in a normal way ever again. As The Bride put it, the problem with The Flake was that it wasn’t my fault for telling him as much as his fault for handling it badly, for not handling my heart gently when I put it out there.
I don’t really know where my pain is coming from half the time. Is it leftover baggage pain? This-always-happens-to-me, I’m-not-good-enough-and-this-is-more-evidence? Is it I lost my friend pain? Did the friendship we have mean so little that you could just walk away because you’re spooked that I have feelings for you? Is it I’m-so-stupid-for-thinking-he’s-a-grownup pain, I’m-so-stupid-for-thinking-he-liked-me pain? Is it heartbreak pain? I-love-you-and-you-don’t-love-me pain? And I can’t address it because I don’t know where to look. Then it just becomes one tangles morass of pain and my heart explodes and my teeth hurt and it immediately checks into the depression and then we’re finished.
And there ended the post because though I had it in my head as I drove to work I’d forgotten it by the time I got there. And it never came back. A metaphor for life?