You can tell I’m happier eh? Never post anymore ;)

So one of the things Shrink and I are trying to do is get me over my mental block over losing weight. I really need to now for my health, my BP is high, I’m pre-diabetic, and generally being vastly obese is not good for your body. I agree with all this and I really want to fix it.

But I don’t.

Because, if I did, I would.

Really. It’s not like I hate every form of exercise; it’s not that I don’t like to cook or can’t make yummy healthy food and get joy out of the process; it’s not even that I love potato chips that much.

So what is it?

Is it because I’ve fought long and hard to become comfortable with my body and I can’t give it up? Is it because I can’t remember not being fat and don’t really understand how to think of myself like that? I don’t know. I think sometimes it has to do with my fear that there’s something wrong with me and as long as I’m fat I have an excuse, a scapegoat. And once I lose the weight, if everything stays shit, well then it’s definitely me.

But I have digressed horribly. The point was, Shrink and I are trying to find a way for me to manage to get some sort of routine going. The past year of holding myself together made it nearly impossible to stick to goals or rules or anything–I’d just collapse at the thought of having to decide what to wear; there was no way I could motivate myself to eat healthy or get up an hour early and exercise. But I’m better now. I cook nearly all my meals. I still don’t exercise ahem and I still drink far too much, but it’s a start.

So last week she made me a suggestion. She said yes, it’s a giant mountain and huge advances seem like nothing compared to what’s left. Why don’t you just make a new goal every day. Wake up in the morning and say today I won’t eat fried food. A goal that begins that day and ends that day. No tomorrows.

This struck me as an interesting method. It sort of feeds into this other thing I liked when I read the only spiritual self help book I’ve ever read. Don’t judge me, I couldn’t resist a book told my the Dalai Lama’s cat. And it was wonderful too. One of the lessons in it, and one common to many things I imagine, was that of mindfulness. We spend so much of our lives half somewhere else. Really. I’m a big sinner here–I always read or watch tv or chat or something when I’m eating. I don’t pay attention to my food. The only times I’m really mindful are when I have a friend over for dinner or something, when I focus on them. So I decided to try to live mindfully for a while.

Each morning, I wake up and set myself the goals for the day. I do only one thing at a time. (Okay not all the time but I try and do this as much as possible.) When I’m eating, I’m looking at the food, thinking about the food. When I’m working, I’m plugged into only work. When I’m hanging out with people, I’m not checking my phone for texts. When I’m reading a book, I sign out of gtalk.

So far it’s working okay.