It’s been quite the week.
After my decision to play red with the OA, I had a little rant to The Bride about what I wanted to say to him, which was essentially: Dude this was your idea. If you don’t want to do it, say so! I’m not a child; I can handle it if you change your mind! She strongly recommended I do so, and, since I was in the angry phase of dealing with flaking, I sent him a text that said precisely that. He responded immediately with: Oy. Don’t message like that. Call. I have a good reason for flaking. I’ll call you in the evening.
That was Friday morning. Friday afternoon he calls me, to ask if I am working from home and, when I say I am, says he’s coming over to explain. It turns out he’s been interviewing for jobs all week and has been really stressed out etc–which I would expect in his situation–which is why he’s been flaking. And it’s not that it didn’t occur to him to call me or text me, but he’s so superstitious about job interviews that he didn’t want to breathe a word to anyone. So I told him that he didn’t need to tell me WHY he needed time off, all he had to do was TELL me that. Just tell me. Because I have so much baggage, especially of the kind where people I care about have just gone walkabout one day, no explanations offered, especially in the past two years, with devastating effect. And being in a ‘bad low’ as we call it, it really fucks with my head when people flake on me. He apologised: I cocked up and I’m very sorry. I did think I should call you, but I just didn’t. I told him to pick up the fucking phone the next time!
Then we proceeded to celebrate the fact that he got said job, while my heart broke a bit because he’s moving to Bombay next month. That celebration turned into quite the party! I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a forty-hour-long party. Guests left then came back and drank some more then left again, and then new ones came, and it was hilarious. My maid called it shaadi ka mohalla. All through this, the OA was floating around, looking deathly hot as always, dirty dancing with me and, on Saturday morning, when I was mopey, slinging his arm around me and demanding to know what was up–clearly in denial of the conversation we’d had early that morning, where I’d asked him if he knew why I was so upset he’s moving, and he replied: Of course I do; I’m not an idiot. Though I can’t say I was really expecting him to have not known–I’m not exactly subtle–I was maybe hoping he wanted something more and just needed me to tell him how I felt, and now it was all out and unrequited I think I was also expecting him to run like the wind. And it hurt.
Anyway, interspersed with some sadness, the party carried on till about 6am on Sunday, when OA and his buddies left, but not after OA picked a big fight with me for laughing and saying ‘I never thought this day would come, but I might actually have to kick you out,’ which he, his two beers and countless whiskeys took very personally, resulting in me having to calm him down for an hour. During that calming down he wandered off into a long speech about how he had something he really wanted to tell me, but couldn’t. This might refer to the other drunken conversation he had with Second Me about how he is a rock and an island and cannot open his heart to me or ANYONE because! Yes! Because! *eyeroll*
Sunday was a bit of a zombie day–for obvious reasons. Lithium was in town and I was really really hoping to see him, even going so far as to drag myself out of Kutti’s bed and shower and get dressed and comb my hair in readiness for lunch with him and another friend–only he didn’t call and when I called him it turned out lunch was off. But he said he’d come see me in the evening. At 8.30pm, I had given up hope, and was sternly telling myself it wasn’t healthy to be so dependent on one person, and also that it is truly unfair to put such a black hole of need on anyone, especially when they have as much going on as Lithium does. The phone rings, and he tells me he’s been in a motorcycle accident. He’s fine, but the bike isn’t and he won’t be coming to see me. He will be stuck in Delhi for two weeks or so though, so he’d definitely be seeing me soon. His ankle being busted, I offered to go to him.
On Monday, OA asked if he could come over to hang out because he couldn’t handle being my himself in his house. Since Kutti was out too, I gladly acquiesced, though not without some trepidation. OA turned up, only to say he did have company after all and was going to go now. But not without apologizing for ‘how I was’ for half an hour. I have no idea what he thinks he did…
Once he left though, literally as the door slammed shut, I began to cry. Like I haven’t since August of last year, when I was mourning CB. I called Amma and blubbered that I couldn’t do this anymore, I was coming home. I couldn’t be an independent adult; I didn’t care about my job I just couldn’t do this on my own anymore and I needed to go home. After half an hour of this we had decided I’d talk to my boss on Tuesday and see what could be arranged. I then cried some more, for longer, and Lithium called, so he got to listen to that too. The OA texted to check on me and I told him I was going home. He proceeded to panic and say no why?!? You love your job! Don’t make decisions when you’re in a low! No no! Wait. He was coming over to talk to me.
Understandably, I freaked out and said no, don’t come. You know I want to see you but you know how I feel about you and that will just fuck my head up more. So he said ok, I won’t come. But please don’t make any decisions right now. And proceeded to text me all evening, even going so far as to take me seriously when I said I would steal his meds if they put me to sleep, and offering to come and give me one. And then telling me to call him if I couldn’t sleep. And then texting me at 615 to ask if I had slept. And then checking in on me every hour or two the rest of the day.
I also talked to my boss, my best beloved boss, who went through a similar period around my age, and with whom I have talked about loneliness, fear of it and all round depression. She was insanely sympathetic and supportive, which made me feel so much better, since I must admit one terrible fear I’ve had is that if I needed a break I’d lose the one good thing I do have in my life–my job. Even if it’s not what I wanted from life, life has given me a career I enjoy, I’m good at, and am appreciated in, and since it’s all life seems to want to give me I’d really hate to lose that too. Also, hello, money.
Anyway, the upshot of this is that I’m heading off back home for a couple of weeks, to return for my big launch, and then maybe again for a while–we’ll see. It’ll be good to be in a place where I don’t have to worry about putting on the motor, or buying groceries, or cleaning up dirty dishes. I won’t have to stress about making sure I have nutritious meals. And the love and support I get will be consistent–which, for all that they love me doesn’t happen with friends at the moment, and one cannot blame them either, largely because they’re new like Second Me, very young, like Kutti and the Poo, or going through too much to put me first like Lithium and OA. I’m also going to talk to a psychiatrist, and to my shrink, about whether I should be on medication for a while, if only to give myself enough stability to get myself together and figure out how to get past this depression that has been dogging me for two years now.
I am taken aback and deeply touched by the love and support I have received from all quarters, unexpected: from Second Me and OKC Child, from my boss and my colleagues (one of whom offered to have me stay with her, her husband and their three dogs–it’s a lot of distraction she said), and expected: from my family (my mother has actually taken over my passport application, instead of yelling at me to go online and figure it out myself–I’m still in shock), my friends and of course, you blog ladies I feel so close too =)