I stumbled upon the blog of someone I know who lives in New York. (Of course we come back to New York.) I don’t particularly like or dislike this girl, and she’s married to someone I am very fond of. They lead a highly privileged life – good for them.* The blog is food oriented, mostly restaurant reviews and recipes. She always did love to cook and eat out. It is also, as I find most of these things to be, slightly pretentious, or at least for someone who does not appreciate strange leaves in her food. I read it, and I saw recipes I want to try, and then slowly my tummy began to hurt and I realized that it was twisting in rage. I am so angry. Not with her, not with me, I think mostly with the universe. Why not me, my gut seems to be asking (a variation on the other oft-seen why me theme of this blog).
Maybe it’s because I’m still struggling to find community here in Delhi. There’s something that might have evoked rage in the past, but only evokes despair these days (ooo I’m getting dramatic!). People are so…L.A. Yeah, that seems like the best word. It is impossible to pin anyone down, and they never can be bothered to make the effort. Not such a big deal you might say, and yes, I do agree, I do have other things to do. I read, I have salsa and tango, I cook – I’m covered. But I do miss people. I just got used to having my friends. I never had in my entire life, until 2009, when suddenly I did. And it would be nice if someone else wanted to see me, made the call, or even showed up when I plan.
The new plan is to not call anyone anymore. I hope it works! There is rage latent in this situation too, because eventually I am going to get very angry with myself, and that implied I will be eating a lot of things I shouldn’t and plugging right back into another destructive cycle. Yay me!
But living here does rmeind me of living in New York, when I did these very things – cooking, salsa, tango, wearing coats and sweaters…which makes me mad that it doesn’t live up to what I want from it. Or something. Ah I dunno.
*Have I mentioned how much it annoys me that i have to use SPACED HYPHENS instead of unspaced em dashes in blogger? HYPHENS CANNOT BE SPACED my Outer Stickler screams, AT LEAST USE AN EN DASH!!!