Memories of when I came to the City in 2005, for my cousin’s wedding, often take on an unreal tinge. Apart from it being my first time here as an adult, living in the Waldorf Astoria, Lexington Avenue’s Fall Festival, and MUCH family turmoil, it was the first time I received any male attention. Atleast, male attention on that scale, and not from creepy men in DTC buses.
Three days of intense activity, interspersed with this startling….aspect to life, followed by a whirlwind trip to the West coast and a return to India really make me wonder if it ever happened. The paths our lives took after that weekend now mean I barely figure in his life anymore. I’ve come to terms with it; after all can one really stamp one’s feet and demand that one be important to someone else? Well I’ve known people who can, but I can’t.
One of the things we did that weekend was take the Roosevelt Island Tramway, which is one of the most fabulous cheap things to do in the City, especially after dark, because you get to see all the lights. As you go over 2nd Ave, I think, on one side you see a river of diamond headlights, and on the other a darker kaleidoscope of ruby tail-lights, emerald traffic lights and amber street lights. Fairy lights.
Yesterday the Scientist was here. Traipsing all over the City we ended up on the East side, and FINALLY en route to the Tramway, something we’ve been planning to do ever since I got here. As we went over, it suddenly came home to me so strongly, that, despite therapy and finding better ways to deal with life, I haven’t lost my worst fear. Nothing hurts like being forgotten, nothing hurtslike being left behind, NOTHING hurts like losing someone, for no reason. Just because it happened that way.
No, we weren’t in a relationship, no, neither of us wanted to be. But he was my friend. Not a day went by that we didn’t talk. And sitting there, FREEZING my arse off, literally, I couldn’t help but remember all the other people. Mahima, Shipra, Chica, Kas, Gautham, Mangala…so many people, without whom I couldn’t consider the future, gone for all practical purposes. And, honestly, more whom I don’t remember anymore.
But then, other things have changed too. My dearest Scoo and I now have a strong and healthy relationship, I still have the Scientist, Field Commander, Friend in Edinborough, The Rey de los Chingones, Friend in Spain, Friend in Italy, Friend in Hong Kong, the Ancient Witch [*snigger*]. And maybe, new ones here. Though I don’t know, I seem to feel like there’s no point trying much anymore, it’s time to sit back and enjoy the frinds and family I have. And maybe accept the fact that that’s what life is giving me.
In the tram, you can look right into so many of those swanky Upper East Side highrise apartments. And there’s the couple watching TV on the couch, blankly, there’s the empty perfect living room, and so on. Sure I have more than them.